I have always enjoyed being by myself. But I have always used my alone time to interact with people and create. I like the validation and engagement that the internet can give, and it feels less exhausting than having to talk a lot with real people.
Being alone only became an issue for me when I began to feel lonely. This happened when I was studying my degree. I felt so different from everyone else. So out of tune with everyone there. It’s almost like people at university are vibrating more slowly – there’s no urgency, no sense of purpose or effervescence of spirit. I couldn’t connect with it. I couldn’t sink into that frequency. I was bullied a lot in school too. I was always different, but I tried very hard to fit in somewhere. As I get older, I care less and less about fitting in, but I am more lonely than ever.
I could exist quite contently with one or two rich, meaningful relationships with people. I haven’t had that in so long. I feel starved of the spirit of brilliant, interesting people, and like any starved thing, I’m becoming sluggish, malnourished, wilted.
I am clutching onto what I can to see me through, but I do sometimes feel as if a wallflower can be forgotten, and when it is, not even the rain drops that soak the bricks it clings to, will keep it from drying out.
Walking to clear one’s mind can be therapeutic. Walking away from something or someone who you know is toxic for you is powerful and freeing. For myself walking away was just that. Why did I decide to walk away? Well, it all started during the time I was transitioning from middle school to high school I was smack dab in the middle of the awkward phase. I was one of those low self-esteem scene kids who was trying to fit in by being different. You know the usual dumb teenager logic. During this time, I was super left wing all the way. Whatever my friends and left-wing media outlets said I agreed without question. I agreed because I didn’t want to ruffle feathers with my friends, I just wanted to belong.
During this time I was raped by someone who I had built a relationship with and thought I could trust. I was devastated, ashamed and I decided to hide it from my family. When I went to my friends about this because I didn’t know what to do and I was scared, they just gave me the typical, ” Oh I’m sorry,” and then they brushed it off and started talking about things like music and media. It made me feel so small and like what I went through didn’t matter. These people that I was trusting with something that destroyed me yet didn’t even care, were the same people who always talked a big game about how they would be there for anyone who was sexually assaulted.
Shortly after this, I began to show different views from the rest of my friends. Trying to rebuild my relationship with God and still trying to overcome the traumatic experience I went through by developing more conservative views, didn’t sit well with the group of people I had called friends. They began excluding me, only a smaller group stayed friends with me and that was because I wasn’t showing all of myself to them. I was still trying to fit in. The same people who used to be my friends were turning into secret enemies, they began talking about me behind my back and spreading horrible rumors about me. By the end of high school, I had only but a hand full of friends and I was ready to be done with it.
College rolled around, and I still had some left-leaning views, and a herd mentality when it came to the 2016 election. I believed what I was being told by the left media outlets until I was challenged to explain why I believed what I believed and what facts I had to back those beliefs up. This was the real wake up call, it made me stop and think and research for the truth. I finally felt free. This is my #walkaway story.