I have always enjoyed being by myself. But I have always used my alone time to interact with people and create. I like the validation and engagement that the internet can give, and it feels less exhausting than having to talk a lot with real people.
Being alone only became an issue for me when I began to feel lonely. This happened when I was studying my degree. I felt so different from everyone else. So out of tune with everyone there. It’s almost like people at university are vibrating more slowly – there’s no urgency, no sense of purpose or effervescence of spirit. I couldn’t connect with it. I couldn’t sink into that frequency. I was bullied a lot in school too. I was always different, but I tried very hard to fit in somewhere. As I get older, I care less and less about fitting in, but I am more lonely than ever.
I could exist quite contently with one or two rich, meaningful relationships with people. I haven’t had that in so long. I feel starved of the spirit of brilliant, interesting people, and like any starved thing, I’m becoming sluggish, malnourished, wilted.
I am clutching onto what I can to see me through, but I do sometimes feel as if a wallflower can be forgotten, and when it is, not even the rain drops that soak the bricks it clings to, will keep it from drying out.